Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
