He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
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We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
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I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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