in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
sarcasm needs its own font
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
