I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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