Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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