oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
