I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
