I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
