im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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