This is not my ceiling
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
