Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
