Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
