whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
