So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
