just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just took my morning after pill in the library
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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