K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
