You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Randomize
