don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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