im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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