Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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