No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
