the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
