well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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