Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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