Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
