you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
