You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
