have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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