Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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