Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
