If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
