Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
