I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
