Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you had me at cake vodka
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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