My friends, they love my intelligence
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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