where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We got so high we made milksteak
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
