I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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