i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
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