non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
