Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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