i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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