I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
