If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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