as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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