the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
