Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
