i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
