chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
