It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
