Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
