Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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