Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
