go do what you do best...puke behind churches
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
