Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
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Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
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You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home