I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas