1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?