One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
