this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
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And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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