Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
